What's wrong with me? Every time I see the Elf on the Shelf, I want to push him off. Actually, I want to shove him in a blender and then force-feed the results to Mariah Carey so she will stop singing All I Want for Christmas.
Oh dear. You seem to be suffering from pre-Christmas rage.
So I'm the Grinch?
Nope, you're the norm. Christmas is considered one of the six most stressful life events - along with moving house and divorce.
While some people struggle with deep feelings of loneliness and sadness, the rest of us sit somewhere between frazzled and fed up as we tackle extra domestic workload, family expectations, financial pressure and questionable tunes.
Any tips? I want to be like: 'all is calm, all is bright.'
You need proper self-care - and that doesn't just mean easing off the mince pies.
One thing you can do right now is breathe properly. Inhale deep into your belly to a count of six and then exhale to six. Repeat for a few minutes.
That calm sensation you're experiencing is your vagus nerve dialling down your fight-flight response.
Christmas is considered one of the six most stressful life events ...
In... out... feels good. What else?
Laugh. It decreases your stress hormones. Reach for a hilarious memory, watch some comedy or create a Christmas list from the Hammacher Schlemmer online gift catalogue, where a killer whale-shaped submarine for US$90,000 sits alongside illuminated earwax removers and pyjama warming pouches.
Now that's the spirit of Christmas. Give me a third tip and I might spare the Elf.
Know that it's OK to say no. Forget the FOMO and take time for yourself. Not every social gathering is essential. I have a rule only to attend Christmas parties if it's rumoured Beyonce might drop by. If you're less hardcore, opt for the ones with the best menu.
What if that's my own party? Thinking about cooking has just busted all my calm.
Three words: bring a plate. Remember, after a year as persistently rubbish as 2020, you could serve socks on toast and your guests will still be happy just to be with you.
True. As Mariah said, "I don't want a lot for Christmas." Oh no, now I'm breathing all wrong again.
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