Nick Kyrgios doesn't want Australians to love him, but believes he deserves their respect.
Kyrgios has opened up about a drama-plagued week at Wimbledon in an emotional interview, revealing how criticism from the Australian public left him thinking about quitting the sport and admitting to feeling "lost" when he's on the court.
The 20-year-old bowed out of Wimbledon on Monday to Frenchman Richard Gasquet in a battle where all his emotions spilled over, losing control in a match that will likely be remembered for the tanking accusations being levelled at him.
Twelve months ago he left the Wimbledon courts with so many admirers, but things have changed for the much-maligned Kyrgios.
The criticism that has followed his antics at Wimbledon have scarred the young Australian, who admitted he was contemplating a way out of it.
"For sure you have those doubts and those thoughts," Kyrgios said about wanting to walk away from tennis.
"I definitely don't love the sport. I like it to a degree, but I don't love it. It's been tough for me waking up everyday with negative messages. People don't really know what goes on in my life. I've read a lot of what's been said about me. I've read a whole lot. Comments like 'he shouldn't be representing Australia', 'he's a disgrace'. It's tough to read. I'm human. I don't really want them to love me. I don't want their love, but everyone deserves respect.
"I'm not going to change who I am or how I behave on the court. I think that's something that makes me a good tennis player – the amount of belief I have in myself and how I back myself. The way I talk to the crowd and do all that stuff, that's when I play my best tennis. I'm not asking everyone to love me but at least know me as a person first before you judge me. I don't write bad tweets about anyone else. I don't say anything bad about anyone else. I'm not this person everyone thinks I am."
The criticism has stunned the world No.29 from the nation's capital.
He admits it has been weighing on him, placing doubts in his mind over who he should be and how he should play.
Mix that together with a rift between Tennis Australia and his close mate Bernard Tomic, as well as a search for a new coach, and it's been a combustible mixture for Kyrgios, who said to himself on court on Monday: "thinking about far too irrelevant stuff out here – it's unbelievable".
"I don't try and be anyone else when I'm on the court," Kyrgios told Fairfax Media.
"I try and just play the game and get emotional here and there. At the end of the day I'm just shocked with what's happened. I'm just really shocked on how people have responded and reacted and what they've said. I'm really shocked."
One of the biggest things weighing him down is the condition of his grandfather, who is suffering from cancer.
Fairfax Media understands Kyrgios didn't want to play in Wimbledon because he wanted to be at home with his grandfather, but those closest to him urged him to play on.
The 20-year-old, who lost his grandmother a few days after Wimbledon last year, choked up when asked about his grandfather, unable to talk about it.
"There's a lot of stuff going through my head," Kyrgios said.
"It should be simple but right now it's not really that simple. I'm questioning how I'm behaving on court, questioning how I should be playing. When all that other stuffs weighing you down, you know you're not going to play your best tennis. There's a lot going on. There's so much other stuff going on that people don't know about which is probably affecting me a bit on court.
"At times I feel lost. I'm questioning what I should do out there and that's a bad thing. I'm a guy that's always played on instinct on the tennis court. That's how I should be. People think that I've crossed the line on a couple of things and it's tough. The people that don't like me think tennis should be a quiet and respectful sport and characters don't really belong in a sport like this. I think it's pretty narrow-minded."
At the core of the criticism of Kyrgios at Wimbledon this year has been his attitude towards the umpires.
He threatened to stop playing in his opening round match because of a decision he didn't agree with, then tried to belittle a separate umpire in his second round match, asking him "does it feel strong to be up there?".
But Kyrgios insists he has a good relationship with umpires, adamant he has been unfairly labelled as the bad guy when there have been players fined for worse incidents.
"I feel fine with the umpires. There are blow-ups every single day," he said.
"Every single player has a blow up. Whether they're a star on tour or a 60 to 80 ranked player. It's just the fact that everyone is watching my every move. Even if I have a conversation with an umpire, even if I'm just asking a question – it always seems like I'm having a blow up.
"I feel as if I have good relationship with most of the umpires. We talk a lot, we joke around ... yeah at times I let them know if I think they've made a bad call, but everyone has blow ups with the umpires. Today in mixed doubles, they were blowing up at the umpire but you're not ever going to hear about that at all."
